i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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