meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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