I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize