before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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