i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
