I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize