I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
