I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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