Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
