That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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