I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize