I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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