the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
