Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I made him laugh his dick is mine
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
