I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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