God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
