i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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