gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why are your pants in the freezer?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize