I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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