My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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