Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
