I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
