Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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