I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
