dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
