Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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