i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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