Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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