i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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