Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
