everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
