why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
