I'm gonna have a badass scar
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
