I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
