my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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