I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
