You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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