i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
