i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
