I think I died a long time ago.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize