so that wasnt chicken after all
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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