How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
