Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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