Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
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