the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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