I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
