i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
