Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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