oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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