He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
