im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
