just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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