11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
