Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
