I want you more than these girls want KFC
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
